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Meine englischsprachige Witzesammlung, my favourite jokes collection

Contents:

• Short Jokes - About Animals
• Short Jokes - Various
• Relationships
• Blondes
• Bill Gates and the End of the World
• Buying a religious horse
• The Italian who went to Malta
• IT Contractors
• There's an Englishman, a Welshman and a Jamaican...
• The German - Forward Through Technology
• A Valentine's Story
• Signs seen in hotels around the world
• Read the labels
• Irish Jokes
• An American Anecdote - You Can't Whack a Tab


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Short Jokes - About Animals

CALF (to mother buffalo): Mummy, please will you jump up and down.
MOTHER BUFFALO: But why, my child?
CALF: Because I want to have a milkshake today.

What games do cows like playing?
- Moo-sical chairs.

When the window cleaner arrived at the Green's house,
he was stopped in his tracks by a snarling, yapping dog.
"Don't be afraid of him," said Mrs. Green "You know the old proverb:
'A barking dog never bites'."
"Sure," said the window cleaner. "You know the old proverb. I know the old proverb. But does your dog know the old proverb?".

What do you get when you cross a watchdog and a werewolf?
- a very nervous postman.

Molly: I can't decide whether your dog is a setter or a pointer.
Polly: Neither, He's an upsetter and a disappointer

I know a dog that eats garlic.
- His bark is much worse than his bite.

Which animal never fights fair?
- A cheetah.

What is a duck's favourite programme?
- The Feather Forecast

What says "Quick-quick"?
- A duck with hiccups

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Short Jokes - Various

PSYCHIATRIST: What is your problem?
PATIENT: I prefer long socks to short socks.
PSYCHIATRIST: So what? Lots of people do, even me.
PATIENT: Really? Well that's a relief!. How do you like yours - fried or boiled?

1ST MONSTER: How ugly are the monsters in your town?
2ND MONSTER: Well...we held a beauty contest last year and nobody won.

1ST MONSTER: That girl over there rolled her eyes at me.
2ND MONSTER: Well, just pick them up and roll them back to her.

SHOW-OFF SID: You know Lake Geneva? Well, my dad dug a hole for it.
BOASTFUL BILL: You know the Dead Sea! Well, my dad killed it.

An Englishman was on holiday in Australia when he was knocked unconscious by a car. He woke up in hospital and saw a nurse bending over him.
"Tell me, nurse," he said, "was I brought here to die?"
"Oh no, dear," she replied. "You were brought here yester-die"

FATHER TO SON: If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don't you come running to me.

How many cans can a cannibal nibble, if a cannibal can nibble cans?

A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.

WIFE: Stop the car!. I forgot to turn off the iron.
The house might burn down.
HUSBAND: No it won't. I forgot to turn off the shower.

HARRY: I call my girl Peach.
BARRY: Why? Because she's so sweet.
HARRY: No, because she's got a heart of stone.

HE: I dreamt I danced with the world's most beautiful woman.
SHE: What was I wearing?

Old refrigerators never die.
- They just lose their cool.

Did you hear about the man who set his jacket on fire?
- It was a blazer.

A big game hunter failed to return to his camp at night.
Said one of his fellow hunters: "He must have disagreed with
something that ate him".

Why are the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?
- Because there are so many knights in them.

What should you say to a South American liar?
- "I don't Bolivia!"

What did the electrician's wife say when he came home after midnight?
- Wire you insulate.

What cheese is always made backwards?
- Edam

A snake-charmer married an undertaker. As a wedding present
they received a pair of towels marked "Hiss" and "Hearse".

When does a sick person lose his sense of touch?
- When he doesn't feel so well.

What is Dracula's favourite tourist place?
- The Vampire State Building.

Why is a bearded man truthful?
- Because he cannot tell a bare-faced lie.

What bet can never be won?
- The alphabet.

If Batman and Robin were run over by a steamroller, what would they be called?
- Flatman and Ribbon

What do you call a clean, intelligent, hard-working, kind monster?
- A failure

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Relationships

The Married Couple and the Box
A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in small bills.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"
The man thought for a while and said: "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
To which the man answered: "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Sharing pain
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they both agreed enthusiastically. The doctor set the knob to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine, so the doctor upped the percentage to 50%, then finally to 100%, since the wife was obviously benefiting from the transfer.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.


Suits you..
Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed & the instant she sees him she starts wailing & crying.
One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit & that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The attendant apologises & explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do. The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.
She asks the attendant "how did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?" "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit" the attendant replied. "And after that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around."

The Check-up
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will die:
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs.Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

Communication
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

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Blondes

What is the difference between a blonde in a church and a blonde in the bathtub ?
A blonde in a church has hop in her soul;- a blonde in the bathtub has soap in her hole

What is a dumb blonde's definition of a light-year?
"It's a regular year but with fewer calories"

What does a dumb blonde consider "safe sex" ?
- Sex in a bank vault.

What does a blonde couple consider oral sex ?
- Standing in opposite corners of the room and shouting "Fuck You!"

Why did the dumb blonde climb over the glass wall ?
- To see what was on the other side.

Why did the dumb blonde climb onto the roof ?
- She heard that drinks were on the house.

Blondie was taking a bath with her boyfriend.
Suddenly she turned to him and asked:
"Is it really true if you pull your finger out, I'll sink ?

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The End of the World
God called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates to come to a conference. And, when they were all there, God said: "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is that I'm really fed up with the way things are on Earth, so I've decided to destroy it. The good news is that I'm giving you one week's notice."
So, Bill Clinton called into session the joint houses of Congress and announced: "I've got good news and I've got bad news The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is that He's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Boris Yeltsin called into session the Communist Party and announced: "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God after all. The worse news is that He's going to destroy the Earth in a week."
Bill Gates, meanwhile, called all of his programmers, marketing experts, and administrators together and announced: "I've got good news and I've got better news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the 3 most important men on Earth. The better news is that we don't have to fix Windows 95."

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Buying a religious horse
The seller said, "There's something you should know about the horse. He stops running when you say, 'Amen,' and he starts running when you say, 'Praise the Lord.'"
"No problem," the other man said, "I'll take it."
The man began to ride away on the horse. He decided to test the horse. "Amen," he said, and the horse stopped on the road just as the other man had said.
"Praise the Lord!" The horse took off running like mad. The rider held on as tight as he could. As he noticed they were racing towards a cliff, he begin screaming, "Stop!!! Stop, you stupid horse!! Whoah!!" Nothing worked. So he began praying, "Dear God, PLEASE let the horse stop! PLEASE!!! AMEN!"
The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. With great enthusiasm and joy the man screamed, "PRAISE THE LORD!!"

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The Italian who went to Malta
"One day Ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I want two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her, I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna fa bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna fa bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a knife and a spoon but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table. You sonna fa bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit onna bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna fa bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: Peace on you. I say piss on you too, you sonna fa bitch. I gonna back to Italy"

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IT Contractors
Four professionals - an engineer, a chemist, an accountant and an IT contractor - were all boasting about how clever their dogs were.
The engineer said that his dog could do something pretty impressive, so the others asked him to show them.
"Setsquare, come here" shouted the engineer, "do your stuff." The dog walked over, picked up a ruler and a pencil and drew a perfect square on a piece of paper that was on the floor.
The others agreed that this was pretty impressive.
The chemist also said that his dog was very intelligent, and offered to show the others.
"Prescription, come here, do your stuff". Prescription ran over and went to the fridge, where he took out a bottle of milk. Then he took a 10ml glass and poured the milk into the glass, right up to the top of the rim, without spilling any.
Again everyone though this was pretty cool.
Then the accountant called his dog over.
"Spreadsheet, get to work". Spreadsheet ran into the kitchen and brought out a box of twelve cookies. He then opened the box and divided the cookies into four equal piles of three cookies each.
The four professionals were suitable impressed. They turned to the IT contractor and said "What can your dog do?"
The IT contractor called his dog over.
"Chargeable, come over here, get to work."
Chargeable ambled over, drank the milk, ate the cookies, dumped on the paper on the floor, shagged the three other dogs, presented a bill for seven thousand pounds, lit a cigar, got into a Lotus and screeched off into the sunset.

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There's an Englishman, a Welshman and a Jamaican...
There's an Englishman, a Welshman and a Jamaican go to the hospital to pick up their new born babies. They are met by the nurse:
Nurse: "We're terribly sorry but there's been a clerical error. We've got three babies and we know they're yours - but we don't know which is which. We need you to go and identify them."
The Englishman goes in first and comes out holding a black baby.
Nurse: "But that's obviously not yours - it's black."
Englishman: "Well, I don't want the Welsh one do I?"

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Forward Through Technology (Vorsprung durch Technik)
A German asks a prostitute for sex and she tells him it's 20 dollars.
"Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky". She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn't do anything violent. They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps.
"I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks. The prostitute is worried that she's getting into something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request. Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly. Then he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes a duck call whistle from his pocket.
"Blow on this while I'm shagging you" he tells her. So he's banging away at her from behind while she's bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle. Suddenly she starts to enjoy it, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had. After they've finished she says "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 15 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?"
"Ah," the German replies. "Four-sprung Duck Technique!!!"

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A Valentine's Story
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself that it is always launched at system initialisation where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, und PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8, and BrotherInLaw Beta release. As a consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources.
- (and the bit I like...) An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater use.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another annoying problem - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
*****BUG WARNING*****
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self-uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.
*****BUG WORK AROUNDS*****
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.

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Signs seen in hotels around the world
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

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Read the labels

On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING (the instruction was INSIDE the box!).
On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE (the shoplifter special!).
On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN (too late! you lose!).
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING (Are you sure?).
On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY (as opposed to outer space?).
On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE (which is?).
On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS (no shit!!!).
On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
On some frozen dinners - SERVING SUGGESTION - DEFROST.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box - FITS ONE HEAD.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron - DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine - DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
On Nytol sleep aid -WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS (duh!).


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Irish Jokes

Paddy and Mick
Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police". Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried. "What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You fucking idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".

The Rabbits of Paddy
An Irishman wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits,how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home!

The O'Malley twins
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink "Why of course," comes the reply.
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62,too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Paddy and Mick (2)
Paddy and Mick were sat in their local pub wondering how they were going to raise money for two more pints when Paddy notices a man at the bar handing over a Salmon in payment for his pint. Paddy wanders over to the man and asks "Excuse me mate where did you get the Salmon?"
"I caught it fishing off a bridge up the river" the man replies.
Paddy turns to Mick and says "We can do that".
So the pair of them decide to try to catch a Salmon to fund there drinks. As they wander out of the pub Mick asks "Hang on a second we haven't got any fishing rods or bait, how are we going to catch a Salmon?".
Paddy thinks for a while.... "Never mind, I'll dangle you over the bridge by your feet and you wait for a Salmon to swim by and when it does you can grab it".
Mick agrees and so they start to fish. 5 minutes go by and Paddy hears nothing from Mick. 10 minutes go by and still nothing. After 20 minutes Mick suddenly screams "Pull me up quick!!".
Paddy shouts "Have you got one, is it big!"
"No....but there's a train coming!!"

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An American Anecdote - You Can't Whack a Tab
Cigars and Insurance ... a true story. It could only happen in America!
In Charlotte, North Carolina, a man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires".
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires".
BUT...
After the man cashed the check, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

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letzte Aktualisierung am 23.12.2001 durch Tillmann Henssler